8 Phrases That Hurt Kids’ Confidence (And What to Say Instead)
July 31, 2026 — 65Nation
You love those grandkids more than just about anything. And you want them to grow up believing in themselves. So it might surprise you to learn that a few very common, well-meaning phrases could actually be working against that goal.
Licensed psychologist Dr. Caroline Danda said to Parade that a confident child is one who believes in their own ability to figure things out, no matter what, and is not afraid to ask for help. She is quick to point out that confidence does not mean a child is never nervous. It means they feel nervous and keep going anyway.
And it does not happen overnight. Dr. Danda says faith in oneself builds gradually over time. According to a 2025 survey in the UK, one in three young people report having little or no confidence. That is a lot of kids who need the adults in their lives to show up thoughtfully.
Here is what Dr. Danda says to avoid and what to say instead.
What Confident Kids Actually Look Like
Before the list, it helps to know what you are aiming for. Dr. Danda describes confident kids as willing to try new things, even when the outcome is uncertain. They have a growth mindset; they adapt when things get hard, and mistakes do not knock them off course.
Confident kids tend to be optimistic and realistic about their own abilities. And they do not take on too much blame. When something goes wrong, a confident child thinks, “I am going to practice that more”, not “I am bad at this.”
How Parents and Grandparents Can Help
Dr. Danda says an authoritative parenting style, one that combines clear guidance with warmth and security, does the most to build confidence. Kids need room to use their own judgment, within reasonable boundaries.
“When parents give kids autonomy over small decisions and choices, kids learn to trust themselves and learn from their mistakes,” she explains.
Your own calm matters too. Dr. Danda says parents who manage their own anxiety tend to raise more confident kids. When a child senses that an adult does not fully trust them to handle something, it chips away at their independence and their self-belief.
She also offers this: “Confident kids tend to have parents who pay attention to what’s going well at least as much as what isn’t. You can’t just pull weeds without nurturing the grass. Otherwise, the weeds come back.”
8 Phrases to Rethink and What to Say Instead
These are the specific phrases Dr. Danda suggests avoiding, along with better alternatives.
- “Perfect” — This sets perfection as the expected baseline. Try instead: “Great. This will work,” “Thanks,” or “Wow. You put a lot of effort into this.”
- “Why did you do that?” — “Why” can trigger defensiveness and shame. Instead, get curious: “You know that wasn’t OK. Walk me through what happened,” or “What’s the plan for next time?”
- “You’re so shy” / “You’re so forgetful” — Labels box kids into an identity. Dr. Danda notes that children often overhear how adults talk about them — and those labels shape how other adults see them too, which can quietly chip away at confidence.
- “I always have to remind you” — Words like “always” and “never” leave no room to improve. Instead, notice partial progress or name the pattern in a matter-of-fact way that opens the door to a solution.
- “How did you do?” — This focuses on outcome and whether the child measured up. Try “How did it go?” instead, then listen and validate their experience before offering any feedback.
- “Let me do it” — Stepping in signals the child cannot handle it. Dr. Danda suggests noticing where they are, asking if they need help rather than automatically taking over, and helping them figure out the next step themselves.
- “You’re overreacting” / “You’re too sensitive” — These phrases make the child’s temperament the problem rather than the situation. Instead, validate: “This feels really hard,” or “That was unexpected. Looks like you need a moment to reset.”
- “You need to try harder” — This sounds encouraging but gives no direction. If a child does not know what “harder” looks like, they feel like they are not enough. Try: “It doesn’t seem to be working as well as you want. What’s getting in the way? Let’s break it down.”
As Dr. Danda puts it, “Supportive guidance and a warm relationship go a long way in building confidence and raising a good human.”
That is something grandparents know a thing or two about. The time you spend with those kids listening, encouraging, staying curious about their world is doing more than you probably realize.
