You have probably heard the word “gaslighting” pop up everywhere lately. It was even Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Year in 2022. But what does it actually mean and where did such an unusual term come from?
The word has a longer history than most people realize. And knowing what it really means can help you recognize something that can be surprisingly hard to see when you are in the middle of it.
What Gaslighting Actually Means
According to Merriam-Webster, gaslighting is “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories.”
In plain terms: it is when someone works to make you doubt your own experiences. You start to wonder whether what you saw, felt, or remember actually happened.
This happens most often in abusive or coercive relationships. A gaslighter might deny a partner’s feelings or dispute their memory of events. The goal, according to the Western Center for Research and Education on Violence Against Women and Children, is to shift focus away from the abusive behavior and onto the other person’s supposed emotional instability.
Phrases like “you’re overreacting” or “you need to lighten up” are not automatically gaslighting. But when they are used repeatedly to make someone doubt their own reality, that is when they cross the line.
It Is Not Just for Romantic Relationships
Gaslighting does not only happen between partners. It can occur between friends, between a parent and a child, or between a teacher and a student. Any relationship where one person holds more power can be a setting for it.
The effects can be serious. Gaslighting can leave people isolated, confused, and full of self-doubt. It can also make it harder to leave an unhealthy situation.
If you think this might be happening to you, the Western Center advises talking to someone you trust, staying connected with friends and family, and keeping a record of the other person’s words and behavior. If needed, reaching out to a local domestic violence center is also an option.
What It Is Not
Because the word has spread so widely, it sometimes gets used loosely. Psychologists caution that a simple disagreement is not gaslighting. Neither is someone having a different opinion or remembering an event differently.
Psychologist Ahona Guha told Upworthy to look for a pattern of behavior, not just a single incident. The behavior also needs to seem intentional or designed to make you question yourself.
Where the Word Comes From
The word itself comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light, written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton. The story is set in the 1880s and follows a husband named Jack who slowly convinces his wife Bella that she is losing her mind.
His methods are calculated. He dims the gaslights in their home and then denies doing it. He hides her possessions and lies about it. He flirts with other women, then tells Bella she is reading too much into things. He alternates between warmth and coldness to keep her off balance.
The play’s twist reveals that Jack is actually a jewel thief. His entire plan was to have Bella institutionalized so he could search her murdered aunt’s house for a hidden cache of jewels.
The play was a major success and received glowing reviews. It has been adapted for the screen several times. The most famous version is the 1944 film, which starred Ingrid Bergman.
From a Victorian stage villain to a word in the dictionary, it is quite a journey for two small words. And now that you know what it really means, you will probably use it a little more carefully than most people do.
