If you have ever tried to settle a grandchild for the night, you know how it goes. They want one more glass of water. One more hug. One more question. It can feel like a stalling game, but child psychologists say it is something else entirely.
According to Dr. Carla Allan, PhD, Division Chief of Psychology at Phoenix Children’s, bedtime resistance is not defiance. It is a bid for connection. Carla Allan told Parade, “When faced with the fear of the dark and the anxiety of separation, kids can stall to reclaim a sense of control and predictability,” she explains.
And the part of bedtime that matters most? The simple chat right before lights out. It is also the part that parents and grandparents most often rush.
Why Hurrying Makes Bedtime Harder
It turns out that rushing bedtime actually slows things down. Dr. Allan puts it plainly: “When parents treat bedtime like a sprint, it causes an equal but opposite reaction in kids. Our push to speed up triggers their push to slow down.”
Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, EdD, a psychologist and author of The Dysregulated Kid, agrees. By the end of the day, children are full of sensory, social, and emotional input. They need time to unwind, and a calm, present adult to unwind with.
“Recognizing stalling as a need for stress relief and connection, rather than defiance, shifts the response from frustration to empathy,” Dr. Capanna-Hodge says. “It makes the child feel seen and safe.”
And here is the part that may surprise you: slowing down at bedtime actually helps children fall asleep faster. Dr. Capanna-Hodge explains that a calm connection allows a child’s parasympathetic nervous system to engage, cortisol levels to drop, and the shift into sleep to happen more naturally.
What the ‘Bedtime Chat’ Actually Looks Like
It does not have to be a long or deep conversation. Dr. Allan describes it as “a brief, highly predictable routine that reduces friction.” That predictability gives children a sense of control and helps them let go.
Some ideas that work well, according to both psychologists:
- Spend five minutes reflecting on the day together: “What was the best part?” or “What felt tricky today?”
- Read a favorite book side by side
- Try a little breathwork or simply sit quietly together
- Offer a warm hug or gentle cuddle before lights out
Dr. Capanna-Hodge notes that for 30 to 60 minutes before sleep, keeping things calm and screen-free helps. “Consistent, quiet bedtime routines signal safety and security and help your child comfortably self-soothe and drift off,” adds Dr. Allan.
Ways to Build Connection Earlier in the Evening
The bedtime chat works even better when the evening leading up to it has a connected feel. Dr. Allan suggests carving out 10 to 15 minutes of “special time” earlier in the evening, joining the child in an activity of their choosing.
Adding specific praise helps too. Something like, “I love how patient you were at dinner tonight,” sets a warmer tone for the whole wind-down.
Dr. Capanna-Hodge points to side-by-side activities as another easy approach. Folding laundry, taking a short walk, or prepping a snack together lets conversation happen on its own. “Being physically close without the pressure of face-to-face engagement encourages children to open up,” she explains.
Daily check-ins, even just a question or two, also build the habit over time. “Even brief, consistent moments create long-term capacity for emotional regulation and strengthen connection,” Dr. Capanna-Hodge adds.
When the Stalling Feels Like More Than a Bid for Connection
If the resistance feels like it goes beyond the usual back-and-forth, Dr. Allan suggests a tool called the “bedtime pass.” It is an evidence-based approach where the child gets a physical coupon they can exchange for one trip out of bed, for a hug or a glass of water.
Signs that a child’s nervous system may be overwhelmed include fidgeting, pacing, repetitive requests, and sudden shifts in energy, according to Dr. Capanna-Hodge. “When approached with calm presence instead of punishment or pressure, a child’s true needs become clear,” she says.
As a grandparent, you may already know this instinctively. You have seen a few bedtimes in your day. And that quiet, unhurried presence you bring, the kind that does not check a phone or watch the clock, might be exactly what a grandchild needs most at the end of a long day.
