We have all been there. A grandchild melts down at the dinner table, bursts into tears at the park, or slams a door so hard the pictures rattle. Your first instinct? “Calm down.”
It turns out that might be the least helpful thing you can say.
Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey, PhD, a psychologist, has a better option. Six words, easy to remember: “I see how upset you are.”
Why Those Six Words Work
Dr. Todey told Parade this phrase does something “calm down” cannot. It validates what the child is feeling without approving of every behavior. You are not saying they are right. You are saying you see them.
“You do not have to agree with your child to say it,” she explains.
After those six words, she suggests adding a calm, clear limit:
- “I see how upset you are. The answer is still no.”
- “I see how upset you are. I won’t let you hit.”
- “I see how upset you are. I’m right here.”
“Connection and limits can exist together,” Dr. Todey says. That is worth remembering the next time things go sideways at your house.
Why “Calm Down” Often Makes It Worse
Dr. Todey is clear that no research shows the exact phrase “calm down” triggers a specific brain response. But she explains what does happen when kids get highly emotional: the parts of the brain that handle flexible thinking, impulse control, and problem-solving become harder to reach.
Then you pile on a demand. The child hears it as criticism. They feel misunderstood. And things can escalate from there.
“It can actually lead to an additional frustration of not feeling understood,” she says.
What research does support? Naming the feeling out loud. Dr. Todey points to studies suggesting that putting emotions into words can reduce emotional reactivity in the parts of the brain involved in regulation. A 2026 study of young children found that kids who could better identify and label their emotions tended to regulate more effectively.
“Naming a feeling does not magically stop a tantrum,” Dr. Todey says. “But it may help make an overwhelming experience more understandable.”
What About Older Grandchildren and Teenagers?
The same “name it to tame it” approach works for older kids, too. With teenagers, Dr. Todey suggests a softer, more curious tone. Try something like, “I know that was disappointing,” or “It sounds like you were embarrassed?”
Then (and this is the part grandparents might find hardest) stop talking. Wait.
“If your teenager says, ‘I’m not disappointed. I’m pissed,’ that is still useful,” Dr. Todey says. “They have identified what they are feeling.”
Later, when things have settled, she suggests asking: “What do you want to do about it?” That question invites them to solve the problem themselves, which builds confidence and growing independence.
The Hardest Part: Staying Calm Yourself
Here is something Dr. Todey is honest about: this is not just about what you say to the child. It is about what is happening inside you.
“Children’s emotions can quickly pull adults into the same escalation,” she says. “Your child raises their voice. You raise yours. They get louder. You talk faster.”
Before long, two nervous systems are feeding each other.
Dr. Todey’s advice? You do not have to be perfectly calm. You just need to be calmer than the child. Get quieter instead of louder. Slow down. Use fewer words.
“Instead of a long lecture, try: ‘You’re really angry. I won’t let you speak to me that way. We’ll talk when we’re calmer,'” she suggests. “Your tone communicates: this feeling is big, but manageable.”
When you can hold that steady, she says, it becomes easier for the child to find that steadiness too. And that is something grandparents, with all those years of practice, are often surprisingly good at.
