When a grandchild cries or droops with disappointment, every instinct in you wants to make it better. A hug, a cookie, a cheerful “It’ll be okay”, we reach for whatever works fastest. That is love. But according to one child psychologist, it may not be what the child needs most.
Dr. Jessica Hoffmann is the Director of Research at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and an Assistant Professor at the Yale Child Study Center. She told Parade that sadness and disappointment are the feelings adults rush to fix and that rushing is the problem.
Why Fixing It Too Fast Can Backfire
Dr. Hoffmann has a few concerns about jumping in too quickly. “First, this can send the message to the child that the parent cannot handle the feelings either,” she explains, “and the child may learn to suppress or hide how they are feeling next time.”
There is a second issue, too. When we skip straight to making things better, we miss the chance to understand what caused the feeling in the first place. And that matters more than it might seem.
“Frustration is about a blocked goal, disappointment is about an unmet expectation and anger is about an unfairness,” Dr. Hoffmann says. “These can all look the same in a child but have very different strategies for managing them.”
And perhaps most importantly, she notes: “When we resolve uncomfortable feelings for our children, we rob them of the chance to build the skills to manage their emotions themselves.”
What Helps Instead: Just Sit With Them
The good news is that what actually helps is not complicated. Dr. Hoffmann calls it “sitting in the pocket” of the feeling, staying calm and present rather than rushing toward a fix.
She calls the first step “co-regulation.” Before you can help a grandchild through something hard, you need to be steady yourself. “By staying calm, you are showing your child that you can handle whatever they are going through,” she explains. “Supporting our children by sitting with the feeling builds a muscle that will serve them throughout life.”
A Simple Five-Step Formula
Dr. Hoffmann offers a clear path forward. She calls it: Notice → Understand → Name → Validate → Be Present.
Start by noticing without labeling. Try something like, “I see that you are quieter than usual. What is going on?” She points out that children sometimes cry when they are embarrassed, shut down when they are angry, or yell when they are disappointed. So do not assume. Ask first.
Once you know what is really going on, then you validate. For disappointment, Dr. Hoffmann suggests something like: “That really didn’t go the way you wanted it to. You were looking forward to it, so I understand why you’re disappointed. It’s okay to feel upset about this.”
And finally, just be there. As she puts it: “Something as simple as ‘I’m right here if you want to talk’ makes a big difference.”
What To Avoid
Dr. Hoffmann advises against naming the emotion right away, saying “Why are you angry?” or “I can tell you are upset” can make a child feel judged, and we are often wrong about what they are feeling anyway.
She also says to avoid ignoring or brushing past a child’s feelings. That sends the signal that you cannot handle big emotions, and the child may start hiding how they really feel.
And she offers one question worth asking yourself before you jump in: “Am I trying to regulate this unpleasant feeling away for the child’s benefit or for my own? Sometimes, our motivation is our own discomfort rather than what is in the best interest of the child.”
When to Reach Out for Help
Sadness is a normal part of growing up. Dr. Hoffmann is clear about that. But she also says there are times when a child needs more support than family alone can provide.
“When difficult emotions are intense, persistent or begin to interfere with a child’s sleep, relationships, schoolwork or ability to enjoy everyday life, it’s time to consider getting additional help,” she says. “Parents don’t need to wait for a crisis; when in doubt, a conversation with a pediatrician or mental health professional can help determine whether support is needed.”
The numbers remind us this is real. As of 2024, the CDC reported that 11 percent of children ages 3 to 17 had a diagnosed anxiety disorder. A 2022–2023 national survey found that 31 percent of those aged 12 to 17 had a mental, emotional, developmental, or behavioral problem. And the NIH reported that between 2018 and 2019, around 15 percent of adolescents aged 12 to 17 had experienced a major depressive episode.
None of that means every sad grandchild needs a specialist. It means paying attention and knowing that asking for help early is always the right call.
The most powerful thing you can do in that hard moment is also the simplest. Stay calm. Stay close. Let them feel what they feel. That presence is something they will carry with them for a very long time.
