You have probably watched your grandchild melt down over something that seemed tiny: a broken cracker, a TV show that ended, a toy that would not cooperate. And you have likely done what any loving grandparent would do: swept them up and tried to make it better.
Turns out, that instinct is actually part of something child psychologists consider the single most important skill a young child can learn before age 7. It is called emotional regulation, and grandparents play a bigger role in teaching it than many of us realize.
Why Age 7 Is a Turning Point
By around age 7, children hit a number of milestones. Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks, says kids this age develop a more solid sense of time, learn to dress themselves, tie their shoes, and handle their own dental care. They also get better at pronouncing words correctly and speaking in complete sentences.
Socially and emotionally, things shift too. Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, a psychologist and founder of Phoenix Health, says children around this age can identify and name a wider range of feelings, going well beyond just happy or sad. They also start to understand that other people have different thoughts and experiences than they do.
But here is the key: children need to learn certain emotional skills before they reach that stage in order to develop them. Emotional regulation is at the top of that list.
What Emotional Regulation Actually Means
Emotional regulation is the ability to manage your emotional responses. It helps children problem-solve, make friends, and cope with conflict. And the window before age 7 matters more than most people think.
Dr. Guarnotta explains that the brain develops rapidly in early childhood, building connections at a fast pace, especially in the areas involved in regulating emotions. Dr. Smith adds that by age 7, the brain is forming connections between its emotional and logical centers. That is why younger kids hit, and older kids use their words instead.
But she is quick to point out that brain development does not stop at seven. The prefrontal cortex, which handles impulse control and problem-solving, is still developing well into young adulthood. That is why children need trusted adults to help them regulate long before they can do it on their own.
Co-Regulation: What That Toddler Really Needs
You may not have heard the term co-regulation before, but you have almost certainly done it. Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist, describes it simply: a toddler falls down and immediately looks for a parent or grandparent to pick them up, soothe them, and help them feel safe again. That is co-regulation.
Dr. Guarnotta says children learn to eventually calm themselves through repeated experiences of having a trusted adult help them through big emotions. Each time a caregiver responds with patience, helps a child name what they are feeling, or models a coping skill, it strengthens the neural pathways in the child’s brain.
Eventually, those pathways lead to self-regulation, the ability to manage emotions without leaning on someone else. But Dr. Guarnotta is clear: self-regulation is not something children master early. Even adults continue to work on it.
5 Ways Grandparents Can Help
Psychologists say emotional regulation can be taught from birth and grandparents can be a meaningful part of that. Here is what they recommend.
- Soften instead of match. Dr. Dara Houp, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist with Pathways Psychological Services in NYC, gives a practical example. When a grandchild is yelling for more screen time, instead of raising your voice, soften it. Get down to their level. Speak slowly. This shows them that big emotions do not have to be overwhelming. Not for you, and not for them.
- Model it yourself. Children take in everything they see. Dr. Schiff says that when a grown-up takes a deep breath and says out loud, “I am feeling frustrated, so I am going to slow down,” children start to understand what emotional regulation actually looks like in real life.
- Name the feeling instead of dismissing it. Dr. Guarnotta says children cannot regulate emotions they do not understand. Instead of saying “You’re fine” when a grandchild gets upset, try something like, “You’re really upset that we have to leave the park.” The goal is to validate the feeling and help them build an emotional vocabulary.
- Read books about feelings together. Dr. Smith says books and stories with themes about feelings give children practical, real-life examples of people working through emotions. Young main characters are often relatable to little ones, and reading together makes it feel natural, not like a lesson.
- Practice coping skills when things are calm. Dr. Guarnotta is direct on this one: when a child is overwhelmed, it is nearly impossible to learn something new. Introduce skills like deep breathing or drawing when they are feeling good. Practice together, and talk about when those skills come in handy.
When Grandparents and Parents See It Differently
Parenting has changed since we were raising our own kids. Some of today’s approaches, like talking a child through their feelings instead of telling them to stop crying, can feel unfamiliar at first. Psychologists acknowledge the generational gap, and they offer some practical ways to stay on the same team.
Dr. Schiff suggests leading with appreciation when talking with the child’s parents about this. Starting with something like, “I know you always want to comfort them,” opens a conversation rather than closing it down. Dr. Houp adds that finding common ground is a good starting point, something like, “I know you want the best for Sammy, just like we do.”
Dr. Smith cautions against either side acting judgmentally. She notes that many of the ways previous generations raised children still have merit. But she also says improvements have been made and prioritizing emotional regulation is one of them.
The goal, after all, is the same for everyone in that child’s life. You want them to grow up knowing how to handle what the world throws at them. Turns out, that work starts well before kindergarten and grandparents are some of the best teachers around.
