Why Saying ‘You’re So Smart’ May Not Help Your Grandchild

When a grandchild does something good, it feels natural to tell them. “You’re so smart!” “You’re a natural!” It comes straight from the heart.

But a child psychologist says those kinds of compliments may actually work against the kids we love most. And knowing the difference can change things.

What the Research Shows

Dr. Brett Biller, PsyD, a child psychologist at Hackensack University Medical Center, told Parade that praise is genuinely important. It helps children build positive views of themselves and lays the groundwork for motivation.

The catch? Not all praise achieves that goal. Research published in Psychological Science found that too much praise can actually lead to lower self-esteem in children, the opposite of what we intend.

The Problem With ‘Person Praise’

Dr. Biller calls it “person praise”, complimenting a child’s general qualities rather than their actions. Think: “You’re so smart” or “You have a natural talent.”

The problem, he explains, is that it rewards the child for something they cannot control. A child cannot work harder at being smart. They can work harder at studying.

Praise is most effective, Dr. Biller says, when it focuses on what the child actually controls: their effort and their intent. When we praise a fixed quality instead, the praise has nowhere useful to go.

What Works Better: Process Praise

The alternative is what Dr. Biller calls “process praise.” Instead of praising who the child is, you praise what they did.

This approach speaks to the child’s efforts and actions, not just the outcome. And it is especially powerful, he says, when used to recognize progress toward a goal, not just the finish line.

A few examples Dr. Biller offers:

• “I am so impressed by the effort you put in studying for your test.”
• “Great job keeping the ball moving throughout the game.”
• “You are such a role model to your brother when you share.”

Each one names a specific action. That is what makes it stick.

Is ‘Good Job’ Ever Okay?

Yes, and Dr. Biller is clear about this. “Good job” is not the problem. Saying it without any context is.

If the child has already named the action themselves, “Good job” is perfectly appropriate. The specificity is already there.

His example: if a grandchild says, “My studying really paid off!”, responding with “Good job” works just fine. The child already identified the effort. You are simply confirming it.

His overall advice is simple: be intentional. Make sure your grandchild knows exactly what you are praising. Praise the action so it can be repeated.