You raised your kids. You learned things along the way. And when you watch your adult children parenting your grandchildren, it is only natural that an idea or two floats to the surface. Maybe even a quiet word of advice.
It comes from love. But mental health experts say it almost always does more harm than good.
Why Even Well-Meant Advice Can Hurt
Parenting decisions are shaped by a complicated mix of personal values, cultural background, medical guidance, finances, and plain old trial and error. When someone from the outside steps in with an opinion (even a gentle one), it can knock a parent’s confidence sideways.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Noëlle Santorelli puts it plainly. “While you may think you’re offering helpful advice or perspective, unsolicited input can feel judgmental or shaming, especially in areas as personal and emotionally charged as parenting,” she told Parade.
The problem is that the intent rarely matches the impact. Instead of feeling helped, parents feel critiqued and defensive. Dr. Santorelli notes that “judgment rarely inspires true change and it can actually make people feel defensive, disconnected or less safe being themselves around you.”
Over time, that adds up. Parents who feel constantly evaluated tend to pull back, share less, and distance themselves from the people offering the commentary, even when those people are family.
Dr. Santorelli also points out something worth sitting with: “Commenting on how someone chooses to eat, live, work or even rest often says more about your own values than theirs.” The advice we offer, she says, reveals more about us than it does about the family we are watching.
What to Do Instead
So what do you do when your son or daughter looks stressed and you want to help? Experts say the most powerful move is to shift from offering solutions to practicing empathy.
Unless your child has directly asked, “What do you think I should do?”, the best default is silence or a word of encouragement. Dr. Santorelli is clear on this point: if someone asks for your insight, that is a different story entirely. But they have to ask first.
Instead of phrases like “You really should try…” or “If I were you, I would never let them…”, try something simpler and kinder:
- “Parenting is so tough, but you are doing an amazing job.”
- “How can I support you right now?”
Those small words do something that advice rarely can. They make a parent feel seen, respected, and safe. That is the kind of presence that keeps the whole family close.
The relationship with your adult children and your grandchildren is one of the great gifts of this chapter of life. Protecting it sometimes means keeping a helpful thought to yourself.
