You have heard the term “gray divorce.” It refers to couples who split after age 50, often around the time their children leave home. And yes, the numbers have climbed; there are nearly three times as many divorced adults aged 65 and older in 2022 as there were in 1990, according to research from the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University.
But here is the thing: an empty nest does not have to mean the end of a marriage. Two psychologists who focus on relationships say the couples who come through this transition well have something in common. And it is not luck.
The Habit That Makes the Difference
Dr. Molly Burrets, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles and an adjunct professor in the Marriage and Family Therapy program at the University of Southern California. Dr. Brandy Smith, PhD, is a licensed psychologist in Birmingham, Alabama, who works with Thriveworks. Both told Parade the same thing when asked what keeps couples together after the kids move out.
Invest in your relationship before they leave.
Dr. Burrets calls it “prioritizing intentional connection.” She explains that couples who stay together “don’t just happen to stay connected”; they keep a consistent check-in habit even through the busy years of raising children. That steady emotional foundation is what carries them through the transition.
Dr. Smith puts it simply: know each other as a couple, not just as parents. “This involves spending time together before then and investing in the couple’s relationship on its own,” she says.
Why the Empty Nest Can Catch Couples Off Guard
When children are home, they fill the house with noise, schedules, and shared purpose. That shared focus can make a marriage feel stronger than it actually is underneath.
Dr. Smith says couples who do not stay connected as partners can eventually realize they are “co-existing rather than connected” and decide they do not want to keep living that way.
Dr. Burrets describes another version of the same drift. “When partners stop viewing each other as teammates and instead start living parallel lives, the resentment often builds until they reach the empty nest and realize they no longer know how to relate to one another,” she says.
3 Things to Do While the Kids Are Still Home
Both psychologists agree: the time to strengthen your marriage is now, not after the last child pulls out of the driveway.
- Plan regular dates. Dr. Burrets says not to wait for free time to appear. “Carve out non-child-focused time now so that your relationship is already the priority when the house is quiet.”
- Take smaller moments, too. Date night cannot happen every week. Dr. Smith points out that not every connection requires money or a big plan. Simply spending time together at home, without the kids around, counts.
- Do not take your partner for granted. Dr. Smith is direct about this one. “Do not assume that your partner will always be there without you doing your part,” she says. Show appreciation in small ways. Keep listening. Keep compromising.
After the Kids Are Gone: A Roadmap for Reconnecting
Even couples with a strong foundation may feel a little unsteady once the house goes quiet. Dr. Smith’s first piece of advice for that moment is straightforward: talk.
“That can involve knowing who each other is at this phase of life, what each other needs and wants at this time, and then working to meet those needs and wants together,” she explains.
She also suggests doing something enjoyable together on a regular basis. That can be as simple as sharing a meal, going for a walk, reading side by side, or chatting over coffee. More involved activities: a day trip, a vacation you have been saving for, help too.
Dr. Burrets outlines what many couples experience in the months after becoming empty nesters, and what to focus on at each stage:
| When | What Often Happens | What Helps |
|---|---|---|
| First month | Feeling lost without the kids at home | Decompress and process the change together |
| Months 1–6 | Pulling away from your partner, not really connecting | Re-establish a shared schedule and find activities you both enjoy |
| 6 months and beyond | Taking your spouse for granted again | Build a new shared vision for the next chapter of life |
Dr. Smith also notes that some grief is normal during this time. The key is to stay connected with your adult children without making them the center of your whole life going forward.
This chapter is not something to dread. With a little intention, it can be one of the best stretches of a long marriage. Two people who know each other well, finally with the time to enjoy it.
