You hear about a couple splitting up and it genuinely surprises you. They always seemed so solid. But Dr. Crystal Saidi, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks, says those surprises are a good reminder: it pays to check in on the health of your own marriage, no matter how long you have been together.
“Paying attention to the health of a marriage is important because it can help couples notice what is working, rather than only focusing on what is wrong,” she told Parade. “It’s also easier to address problems before they become larger patterns that are much harder to change.”
Dr. Saidi also wants to clear up something we get wrong about long-term relationships. Some things we think of as red flags? They are actually signs of a healthy marriage. Here are seven of them.
1. Having Separate Friends
We ask a lot of our spouses. Some of us even call them our “everything.” Dr. Saidi says that is a lot of pressure to put on one person.
“Some couples think their spouse must be their best friend, social partner, confidant and primary source of entertainment,” she explains. “Expecting one person to meet all of those needs is not always healthy.”
Keeping your own friendships gives both of you other sources of support and takes some of the weight off the marriage.
2. Spending Time Apart
You do not have to do everything together. Dr. Saidi says that is actually a good thing.
“Having an evening to yourself, pursuing a hobby or simply watching a TV show you like on your own can give you both space to recharge,” she says. “Closeness can actually work better when there is room to breathe.”
3. Not Telling Each Other Absolutely Everything
Privacy is not the same as deception. Dr. Saidi says partners are allowed to have their own thoughts, their own conversations with friends, and their own quiet moments.
“As long as there isn’t deception around important issues, privacy can be healthy and shows each partner is still an individual too,” she explains.
4. Saying No
Always saying yes sounds loving. But Dr. Saidi says it can slowly hollow out a relationship.
“Constantly saying yes can create resentment eventually,” she notes. “A healthy marriage is one where each partner can say ‘no’ without fear of rejection or anger.”
5. Traveling Separately
Taking a solo trip or a vacation with your own friends? That is not a warning sign. Dr. Saidi says it can actually bring new energy back into a marriage.
“Traveling separately allows partners to maintain friendships or hobbies that are personally meaningful to them,” she explains. “Sometimes coming back home to each other with stories to tell can bring renewed energy.”
6. Going to Bed Angry
You have probably heard the old advice: never go to bed angry. Dr. Saidi says it is worth questioning.
“Sometimes trying to resolve a heated argument at midnight is not the best strategy,” she says. “People are exhausted and much more likely to say something they may regret. Pausing and waiting until morning to talk about it can show emotional maturity.”
7. Arguing
Happy couples argue. That is not a flaw; it is normal, Dr. Saidi says.
“Disagreements are a normal part of life. It is inevitable when two people share a life and living space.” The goal is not to never fight. It is to fight in a way that still protects the relationship. “An argument can be constructive when couples can listen, repair and compromise.”
When to Consider Couples Therapy
Dr. Saidi has one more piece of advice that might surprise you: you do not have to wait for a crisis to see a couples therapist. Some signs that counseling could help include having the same argument over and over, growing resentment, or even just wanting to strengthen a marriage that is already doing fine.
“Therapy doesn’t need to be a last resort,” she says. “It can give couples a structured and safe place to identify unhealthy patterns and learn healthier ways to communicate.”
After all these years, a little tune-up is not a bad thing. The marriages that last are usually the ones where both people keep paying attention.
