You know the feeling. Someone means well, asks a question, and suddenly the air in the room changes. Maybe it happened to you last week. Maybe it happens at every family gathering.
Etiquette expert Heidi Dulebohn, a certified international cultural consultant who trained at the International Etiquette Protocol Academy of London, has a simple way of thinking about good manners. “Good etiquette is about respect,” she tells Parade. “It is about making people feel comfortable, and not putting them in a position where they have to disclose personal information just to satisfy someone’s curiosity.”
With that in mind, here are seven questions Dulebohn says you should never ask someone over 50 and what to try instead.
The Number One Question to Avoid
It is the obvious one, and Dulebohn confirms it: “How old are you?”
“Unless you are an extremely close friend or family member, don’t ask someone you suspect is over 50 how old they are,” she says. Age is not shameful, she explains, but “in ordinary social conversation there is rarely a gracious reason to ask.” For some people, she adds, revealing their age “immediately places them in a category and can change how they are perceived.”
Six More Questions Worth Dropping
1. “When are you going to retire?”
This one carries a stack of assumptions, Dulebohn says. It assumes the person wants to retire, can afford to retire, or should be thinking about leaving the workforce. “Many people are doing their most interesting work in their 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond,” she points out.
She also shares a piece of wisdom worth remembering: “A very wise person recently told me, ‘Never retire from something, retire to something.’ Many people are doing just that; they retire to a new career or interest.”
2. “Are you still working?”
Similar territory, but that one little word makes it worse. “It subtly suggests that someone is too old to be working,” Dulebohn explains. Her advice? “Remove the word ‘still’ from your vocabulary when you’re talking about age.” That single word, she says, can “turn an innocent question into a judgment.”
3. “Are those your grandchildren?”
Unless you know for certain that the person has grandchildren and those grandchildren are right there with them, skip this one entirely. “Don’t assign family relationships based on someone’s appearance,” Dulebohn warns. A much better option: simply ask, “And who is this?”
4. “Have you had any work done?”
Questions about a person’s appearance are generally off-limits, Dulebohn says. “Cosmetic procedures, hair loss, weight changes, wrinkles, physical impairments, and other changes are personal.” Even when the question is meant as a compliment, she explains, it “turns someone’s appearance into an object of inspection and judgment.”
5. “Do you have any health problems?” or “How is your health these days?”
“Unless you have a close relationship and routinely discuss health issues, the question is intrusive and out of line,” Dulebohn says plainly. She adds: “Being over 50 is not a medical condition and is not an open topic for casual conversation.”
Even among close friends, setting matters. Dulebohn shares that her own best friend has health issues they have discussed privately, but she would never bring it up in mixed company.
6. “Don’t you think you’re a little too old for that?”
Whether “that” is a style of clothing, a new business, a travel adventure, physical fitness, or going to a concert, this question does real harm. “It imposes someone else’s idea of what a particular age is supposed to look like and how one should behave,” Dulebohn explains. Age does not come with a rule book.
The Backhanded Compliment That Stings Every Time
You have probably heard it or maybe even said it without realizing. “You look so good for your age.” Dulebohn is direct about this one: those three words erase the compliment entirely. “You’ve just reminded the recipient that you think people of their age ordinarily don’t look good,” she explains.
Her fix is simple. “If you have to add ‘for your age’ to a compliment, don’t. Stop before those three words leave your mouth. ‘You look wonderful’ is gracious; please leave it at that.”
What to Talk About Instead
There is no topic that is guaranteed safe with a stranger, Dulebohn acknowledges. But some subjects carry far less risk than others. Her low-risk list includes: food and restaurants, books, films and television, music, hobbies, and sometimes travel.
She also offers a simple and effective technique: follow the other person’s lead. “The safest subject isn’t really a subject; it’s the lead the other person has shown you they’re comfortable discussing.” If someone mentions they just returned from Italy, ask about Italy. Do not pivot to “Are you married?” or “What do you do for a living?” Those can feel intrusive from a stranger.
The real goal, she says, is bigger than memorizing a list. “It’s about respectful curiosity with boundaries. Be interested in people without making them feel examined, regardless of their generation.”
“The goal isn’t to learn a special set of rules for talking to people over 50,” Dulebohn adds. “The goal is to stop treating age as the most interesting thing about someone.”
Hard to argue with that.
