Being a grandparent is one of life’s great joys. It’s also one of its great worries. We want so much for those kids. We want to say the right things and help them grow into confident, happy people.
Sometimes, though, we say something with the best of intentions, and it quietly does more harm than good.
Dr. Jolie Silva, PhD, a psychologist and chief operating officer at New York Behavioral Health, says the number one mistake grandparents and parents make is comparing one child to another.
Why Comparisons Do Real Damage
It often sounds like, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “I wish you were as smart as your sister.” Dr. Silva says this usually happens when one child lacks a skill or behavior that another child has.
Even said once, even said lightly, it can sting. Kids start to wonder if they’re good enough. That kind of low self-esteem doesn’t just feel bad in the moment, research has linked it to anxiety, depression, academic struggles, and more serious concerns.
“You want to avoid giving children reasons to compare themselves to others,” Dr. Silva says. “The world will give them plenty of opportunities to do that, especially with social media.”
A Better Way to Encourage Them
Many of us compare kids hoping to motivate them. Dr. Silva says that’s simply not an effective way to spark change. Instead, she recommends asking open-ended questions about their behavior; what are the pros and cons of how they’re acting right now? If they reach the conclusion that change makes sense, they’re far more likely to actually make it.
Three More Things Worth Knowing
Dr. Silva shares a few other communication habits that can catch grandparents and parents off guard.
Dismissing their feelings
Saying “It’s no big deal” or “There’s nothing to worry about” feels supportive. But Dr. Silva says it can make a child feel unheard or even like something is wrong with them for feeling upset. A better move is to tell them you hear them and understand where they’re coming from, then offer support from there.
Praising too much
Too little praise is a problem. But so is too much. Dr. Silva says over-praising a child actually weakens the meaning of the praise and can even feel patronizing to some kids. When compliments come after real accomplishments, children are more likely to believe them and feel genuinely good.
Praising the trait instead of the effort
Calling a child “smart” or “artistic” feels natural and kind. But Dr. Silva points to research showing that praising effort rather than a fixed trait builds more motivation, resilience, and willingness to work hard.
Instead of “You’re so smart,” try “I love how hard you worked on that.” Instead of “You’re so artistic,” try “I love the thought and detail you put into that drawing.” That kind of praise helps kids believe they can grow, not just that they were born a certain way.
None of us get it right every time. We’re going to slip up, that’s just part of loving someone and being human. But keeping these things in mind can make a real difference for the kids who are lucky enough to have you in their corner.