Being a grandparent is one of life’s great joys. You get all the good parts: the hugs, the cookies, the bedtime stories, without quite as much of the daily grind. But even the most loving grandparent can say something that stings without meaning to.

Dr. Brittney Pearson, PhD, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in Chesapeake, Virginia, has identified seven phrases that grandparents commonly use but should really rethink. They tend to come from a place of love. That’s what makes them so easy to miss.

Here’s what to watch for and what to say instead.

Phrases Worth Dropping

1. “Don’t tell your parents.” It feels playful. Like a little secret between you and the kids. But Dr. Pearson says it can quietly undermine the trust parents have built with their children. It also puts grandkids in a tough spot, trying to keep track of what’s okay to say at home and what isn’t. That kind of stress adds up.

2. “Listen to me, don’t listen to mom and dad.” Even when you mean well, this one puts children right in the middle of two authority figures. Dr. Pearson explains that forcing a child to choose between adults they love creates real distress. It can also lead parents to limit your time with the grandkids, which nobody wants.

3. “Big boys don’t cry” or “Big girls don’t cry.” This one has two problems. It shuts down a child’s real feelings in the moment, and it reinforces rigid ideas about how boys or girls are supposed to act. Dr. Pearson suggests doing the opposite, give grandkids space to feel what they feel and help them put words to it.

4. “Why can’t you be more like your brother” (or sister)? Dr. Pearson calls this kind of comparison one of the biggest mistakes you can make with a child. Even if you’re trying to inspire them, it lands as criticism. It breeds feelings of inadequacy and can create lasting resentment between siblings.

5. “Give me a hug!” Of course you want a hug. That’s completely natural. But Dr. Pearson points out that demanding physical affection, even warmly, can teach children that they don’t have a say over their own bodies. A simple swap makes all the difference: try asking, “Can I have a hug?” instead.

6. “When I was your age, I had it harder.” You probably do have real perspective to offer. But Dr. Pearson says this kind of phrase can come across as dismissing whatever a grandchild is struggling with right now. Their problems feel real to them, and they are. Comparisons to the past tend to close conversations instead of opening them.

7. “You’re my favorite grandchild.” It seems like a sweet compliment. But Dr. Pearson warns it can quietly stir up competition and resentment among siblings, even if you never say it in front of the others. It also puts an unfair pressure on that child to somehow keep earning the title.

What to Say Instead

Dr. Pearson offers four phrases that work well in these situations. Consider keeping them handy:

• “I love you for exactly who you are.”
• “I understand your parents said no, and it’s important to respect that.”
• “Take your time. I’m here to listen when you’re ready.”
• “I noticed you’re working hard on [specific skill], let’s keep practicing together.”

Dr. Pearson explains that these alternatives build unconditional love, reinforce respect for parents, and create a safe space where grandkids feel seen rather than judged or pressured.

None of this means you have to be perfect. Every grandparent stumbles sometimes. But a few small changes in how you talk with the grandkids can make your bond with them stronger and that’s something worth working toward.