What Stoic Philosophy Teaches Us About Praising Grandkids
October 14, 2026 — 65Nation
When a grandchild runs in with a drawing or a good report card, the first thing out of our mouths is usually something like, “You’re so talented!” or “You’re so smart!” It feels kind. It feels right. And it is, up to a point.
But licensed psychologist Dr. Amy Marschall, PsyD, a consultant with Mentavi Health who works primarily with children and adolescents, told Parade that too much of a certain kind of praise can quietly cause problems. And it turns out, ancient philosophers figured this out long before modern science did.
When Praise Becomes a Trap
Dr. Marschall explains that when most of the praise a child receives is tied to something they did or achieved, they start to connect your approval with a specific outcome. Over time, that can lead to perfectionism, a need to earn love, or a sense that their value depends on what they produce.
She calls this the “praise trap”, a pattern where kids get rewarded for things they cannot control. Then they begin to need that praise to feel okay about themselves.
There is another twist. If you praise a child for “working so hard” on something they actually found easy, they may later struggle when things get genuinely difficult, because they’ve already linked that level of effort with something being hard.
What the Stoics Understood
Marcus Aurelius, the Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher who wrote Meditations, believed that praise cannot change something’s true value. He wrote that what is truly beautiful “terminates in itself”, it does not need applause to be real.
Dr. Marschall connects this directly to child development. Stoicism holds that we can only control our own thoughts and actions. Everything else is outside our hands. When a child’s sense of self depends on someone else’s approval, she explains, they are not really in control of their own well-being. They may even start changing who they are just to keep the praise coming.
The Stoic philosopher Epictetus taught similar ideas: that we each have a role to play, and our job is to focus on playing it well. Care for yourself. Do your part. Those ideas show up today in therapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy and in phrases we all recognize, like “stay in your lane” or “self-care.”
The Dichotomy of Control
One of the most useful Stoic ideas for grandparents and parents is what philosophers called the “dichotomy of control” and what therapists today often call the “circle of control.”
The idea is simple: some things are within a child’s power, and some things are not. A child can control their effort, their attitude, and how they treat others. They cannot control their teacher’s opinion, whether it rains on their birthday, or whether another kid wants to be their friend.
Dr. Marschall suggests language like this:
- “I can’t control if someone wants to be my friend, but I can control that I use kind words.”
- “I can’t control if it will rain on my birthday, but I can control my attitude about it.”
- “I can’t control what grade my teacher gives me, but I can control that I studied and tried my hardest.”
“We don’t want to teach the child to suppress their feelings,” Dr. Marschall says, “but help them make choices to regulate in healthy ways.”
What to Say Instead of “Good Job”
None of this means staying quiet when the grandkids do something worth celebrating. Dr. Marschall says praise still has a place; it just works better when it is specific and focused on effort and character rather than results.
Here are four approaches she recommends:
- Focus on effort, not outcome. Falling short is okay. What matters is that they tried.
- Point to their character. Continuing to try shows resilience. Helping a friend shows kindness. Name it so they know what it means.
- Ask before you assume. If a child did something that surprised you, ask about their thinking. What looks like bad behavior sometimes has a perfectly sensible explanation behind it.
- Be specific when things get hard. When a child did not get the result they wanted, saying “good job” can feel confusing. Instead, point out exactly what they did: “You kept going even when it was hard”, so they know what to keep practicing.
Stoic philosopher Seneca’s golden rule for raising children rounds it all out: hold high expectations, and provide emotional safety. Give them both, and they have the comfort and confidence to rise to meet what you ask of them.
In practice, that means showing a grandchild how to work through a problem rather than stepping in to solve it, teaching rather than punishing, and making sure there is room for rest alongside effort.
“Focusing on effort over outcome can teach kids that they can overcome challenges and do hard things,” Dr. Marschall says. “It focuses on helping them grow rather than praising things that are not in their control, which can improve effort and confidence.”
That is a lesson our generation has always known, even if we never had a name for it. We just called it raising kids right.
