If you raised kids in the 1970s, you did your best with what you knew. So did your parents before you. That is not just a kind thing to say, it is exactly what child psychologists believe.
“Every generation raises children within the cultural, economic and scientific context of its time,” says Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist. “Looking back isn’t about deciding who parented ‘correctly.’ It’s about recognizing which practices continue to serve children well and where new research has expanded our understanding.”
She compares it to medicine. We do not fault doctors from decades past for following the best evidence they had. Parenting deserves the same grace.
The One Phrase Psychologists Agree Was the Worst
Three psychologists were asked independently about the worst parenting trend from that era. All three gave the same answer to Parade: the idea that children should be seen and not heard.
They say it leads to emotional invalidation in childhood. It discourages kids from speaking up, which can follow them into adulthood as difficulty with self-advocacy and confidence.
Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist who treats children, explains what authoritarian parenting, the style most common in that era, actually produces. “In the short term, children often appear well-behaved because they’re motivated by fear of punishment,” she says. “Over time, though, they may become less confident making independent decisions, more anxious about making mistakes and less likely to communicate openly with parents.”
That does not mean you have failed. It means the research has grown.
“I Turned Out Fine” What the Studies Actually Show
Dr. Brett A. Biller, Psy.D., Mental Health Director at Audrey Hepburn Children’s House at Hackensack University Medical Center, hears this response often. His take is measured.
“In some cases, they did,” he says. “However, following that logic is akin to guiding practice based on a study of one or simple luck.”
Larger studies tell a more complete picture. A Frontiers in Psychology analysis of questionnaires from more than 2,300 parents and teachers of children ages 3 to 6 found that authoritarian parenting negatively affected kids’ interactions with their peers. A separate study found that children raised in authoritarian homes reported lower life satisfaction scores, while those raised in warmer, more responsive homes reported higher ones.
Dr. Schiff puts it plainly. “Many adults did become successful, loving and resilient despite growing up with more authoritarian parenting styles. But resilience doesn’t necessarily mean there was no cost. I’ve worked with many adults who struggle with perfectionism, difficulty expressing emotions, people-pleasing, anxiety, or feeling guilty for having needs.”
Dr. Todey offers a better question than “Did I turn out fine?” She asks: “What strengths did you gain, what burdens did you carry, and how can we help the next generation carry a little less while still developing resilience?”
Three Old-School Phrases Worth Retiring
Psychologists flagged several phrases from the old playbook that are worth swapping out, especially when grandchildren are involved.
1. “Because I said so”
Dr. Todey says this shuts down conversation without helping a child understand the reasoning behind a decision. She suggests something like: “I know you don’t like this decision. Let me explain why I’m making it.” It opens the door rather than closing it.
2. “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about”
Dr. Schiff calls this peak emotional invalidation. “It teaches children that emotions aren’t acceptable and that vulnerability is unsafe,” she says. A warmer swap: “I know you’re upset. Let’s figure this out together.”
3. “Big boys don’t cry” or “Good girls don’t get angry”
Dr. Schiff notes that these phrases teach children certain emotions are unacceptable based on gender, making healthy emotional expression harder later in life. Instead, she suggests: “Everyone has big feelings; what’s important is how we express them.”
How to Build on the Past Without Resentment
None of this requires looking back at your own upbringing with bitterness. In fact, psychologists say that kind of resentment misses the point entirely.
“Our caregivers may have provided for us in the best way they knew how, and now we know more and can do even better for our children,” Dr. Biller says.
Dr. Todey suggests thinking of yourself as a bridge between generations, not someone tearing down the old structure, but strengthening it.
“Maybe your parents taught perseverance, responsibility, loyalty, generosity or commitment to family,” she says. “Those are gifts worth keeping. At the same time, you may choose to communicate differently, repair conflict more openly, or make more room for emotions.”
She also cautions against swinging too far in the other direction. Parents and grandparents who overcorrect, avoiding all boundaries because they feared strict rules growing up, can end up in a different kind of trouble.
“The healthiest parenting doesn’t usually happen at either extreme,” Dr. Todey notes. “It comes from responding to the child in front of you, not reacting to the child you once were.”
That is wisdom worth passing on to your kids, and to their kids too.
